i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
