just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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