i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Betty ford says i'm here all night
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
