You smell like stripper and shame
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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