Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
