We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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