She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
