We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
you made out with another girl for some wings
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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