i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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