So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
