In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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