That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
