I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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