I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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