cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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