i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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