god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
