Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
