If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
