So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
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