i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
