no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
