i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
