I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
