my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
