There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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