I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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