Pants 0. Shit 1.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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