My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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