You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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