allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
