Since when is my name a synonym for head?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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