Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Small penises have feelings too.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
