why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
