I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
