Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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