Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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