No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I deserve this hangover.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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