she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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