my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
