roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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