and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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