the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
