you told grandpa to call you daddy
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
