I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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