we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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