New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
