Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He passed out mid-signature
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
