I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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