sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
